A Very Lynch-Like Visit to Santa

A Very Lynch-Like Visit to Santa

Fifteen year old Diana Lynch with eight year old brothers, Larry and Terry, and five year old sisters, Lia and Tia, smiled broadly at the mid-town New York Macy’s doorman who opened wide the doors for all to pass through into the realm of Christmas.

“Enjoy!” He said and beamed back at the troupe as they entered with stars in their eyes on their annual pilgrimage to Macy’s flagship store located in Herald Square.  Each year they visited Santa Claus for picture-taking which turned into the Lynch Family Christmas card.

“To the elevator, kiddos,” Di directed them, “onward to Santa Claus.”

“I’ve got my list,” Lia said, pulling it out of her pocket of her bright red jacket and waving it in the air.  The roll of paper sort of uncurled on its own and trailed across the floor and down an aisle and around the corner of the cosmetics counter.

“Me, too,” Tia echoed her sister and withdrew a similar list.  It fit in her green-gloved hand.  “Mine’s not as long as yours.”

“No one’s is as long as Lia’s,” Terry chortled.

“You can say that again,” Larry said.

“No one’s list is as long as Lia’s,” Terry repeated.

Lia ignored her siblings and saucily led the way to the elevator.  She pressed the up button amidst the throng of shoppers and got on ahead of everyone else.  The doors started to close before Diana and their brothers and sister reached the elevator.  

“Wait, Lia,” Diana called and managed to squeeze on board, excusing them.  “Let’s stay together guys.”

Larry, Terry and Tia followed close behind and were the last ones on before the enclosed platform lurched upward.  

Diana noticed elevator music played Aerosmith’s Love in an Elevator.  How appropriate, she thought.

They disembarked on the third floor where the toys called to the younger set.  

“Potty stop, first.”  Diana herded the foursome towards the boys’ restroom.  “We’ll wait here.  Don’t be long.”

The twins disappeared yet quickly returned as though they had walked in one door and out the other without stopping inside.  Diana had no stomach for interrogating or scolding.  She followed suit for the girls and waited with the boys until Lia and Tia took an inordinate length of time.

Finally the five wended their way back to the first floor and the squirming line of kids to see the man in red. 

“I always love coming here at Christmastime, don’t you too Twinnies?” Diana said, the excitement of the holiday invading her soul.

“Me, too!” the twins all chorused together, as they were in the habit of doing whenever the notion struck them.

“Look, Di!” Lia squealed.  They all followed her pointing finger to Santa’s set where a bear wearing bib overalls and a brakeman’s cap, chopped wood.  

“How cute,” Di cooed.  “Oh, look, Lia, at the huge stocking all by itself hung on Santa’s fireplace.  All those toys on your list would fit in it!”

“Yes!”  Lia and Tia high-fived each other.  Then Lia and Larry, Tia and Terry; then Lia and Terry, Tia and Larry; then Larry and Terry.

While her brood waited impatiently to whisper in the old man’s ear, a scantily clad man approached Diana.  His baggy Bermuda-length shorts dipped below his naval and he sported an NYU emblem tattooed on his chest.  He handed her a small colorful piece of paper that made her want to throw it away before she even looked at it.    

When she opened it, it read “Are you single?”

The guy grinned moronically at her and she shook her head negatively.    

Next he took her hand and placed another corrugated yellow square envelope, which read “open me”.  

Diana felt like a character from Alice in Wonderland.  When she tore it open, out popped a three dimensional cheesecake.  Written upon it appeared the words “sex on a plate.”  What if she’d said ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’ which is what she meant to say in the first place.  Again, she shook her head and the clown wandered off to pester another young lady.  

Santa’s fantasyland thrived with elves hanging decorations on evergreens sprayed with white flocking.  

Another gang of the little fellows shot streamers of stars in every color of the rainbow.  Everyone in the area, children and adults, “ohd” and “aahd” as though watching the 4^th of July fireworks.  

Finally, the Lynch kids grew closer to Santa.  A photographer snapped pictures and two attendants named Jenny and Jo dressed identically in short red Santa-type suits took down information from adults with checkbooks at the ready.   As Diana drew within range of the jolly old man who she thought the best-looking Santa ever, she noticed a beautiful brown and tan pup asleep at his black booted feet.  

“What’s the puppy’s name?” she asked the twosome.

“Sherlock,” they said in unison.

“May we have our picture taken with him?”

“Sure,” said Jenny.

“We’d love you to have your picture taken with her,” said Jo.

Diana beamed at them and immediately wrote out the check.

“She’s so cute!” Di squealed.  “Twinnies will be delighted, too, to have their picture taken all together with Sherlock and Santa.”

By then the twins’ turn arrived and they crowded around Santa. 

Jo picked up Sherlock while Jenny arranged the five kids strategically around Santa Claus.  She put Lia on Santa’s left knee and Tia on his right.  Then she had Larry stand to Lia’s left and Terry to Tia’s right.  This left a spot in front of Santa where Diana knelt down and took the puppy from Jo.  The puppy with bright brown eyes looked up into Diana’s equally shining dark eyes and immediately slurped her face.  

“He kissed you, Di!” Lia giggled.  

“He didn’t mean to,” Tia chuckled and joined in her twin’s laughter. 

Larry and Terry found it funny too and burst into uncontrollable guffaws.   Diana continued with the widest smile she ever remembered before the photographer snapped the picture and captured the moment for what would be the best Lynch Christmas card ever.

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This is an unofficial secret Santa story for Jo and Jenny and their pup Sherlock they created for Jim and Trixie.  With their permission I fondly present A Very Lynch-Like Visit to Santa, consisting of 1,009 words.

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